It's been awhile...and I'm quite sure now that isolation builds creativity. Then again, maybe its better this way considering how this blog was beginning to make its way around. Queer isn't it? How I post things up publicly yet would rather this not be public. Narcissism and the desire for an audience balanced with the desire for privacy.

But that's neither here nor there as to why I'm making an entry. I've got an insane exam on Thursday, there's mountains to remember and I've still got quite a bit to read and dinner to prepare. But I'm here blogging. Not so much that I need a break but more that I just can't study right now if that sorta makes sense. My house of cards has just crumbled...and it sucks.

Not exactly very poetic but then again, I'm not exactly in the mood for poetry right now. I mean, the base of the house is stable and strong, and I'm thankful for that. But the higher layers have just collapsed leaving me standing with the shreds of dreams strewn around my feet. I'd laugh but I'm too sickened to even do that. I look for an upside but there is none.

It's as if lately, everything I've hoped for, everything I've worked for just doesn't pan out. And I wish I could be more bitter about it...but I can't. Because I know that I'm still immensely privileged and blessed. But when everything's been going so smoothly for so long, it's a rude awakening. It's the disappointment one gets after a moment of bliss and then having to return to the real world.

It's a good reminder...to be more humble. To be more realistic. Possibly more cynical. But then again, I always am cynical, aren't I? I won't stop hoping and I won't stop dreaming. But of late, it's getting harder to keep aspiring. It's familiar this feeling...and this time, more frustrating because it's not something I can attain. These are chances lost which I will never have the chance of fighting for again.

And I guess therein lies the despair. A setback to a target, a dream shattered that can be rewoven nonetheless leave room for hope. It's all a horrible rehash of secondary school. Of doing well, yet having the familiar pangs of self-doubt and frustration at always being second-best. And while many would be happy with that, it slowly gnaws away at you...

I feel the self-doubt and loathing returning. They never truly go away. And I fight hard to remind myself that there's still much to hope for, much to be joyful about. But I see a road shrouded in darkness, leading to a downward slope. And I fear that that might be the only path I can take...

And I'm back...sooner than I thought I would be.  On a familiar topic too.  What does one do when one finds out that one's perception of a person was totally wrong?  When you discover to your shock and disgust that someone is so much less than you envisaged them to be?  When your angel turns out to be a fallen angel...Perhaps the sadness is less in the loss itself then in the destruction of hope, of the idealised reality...

But then again, I don't think I'll ever understand why some people take love for granted.  Blessed to be given a gift that others long for, they spurn it and abuse it.  They take the sincerity and hopes of another and crush it akin to a rose under their feet.  And oft repeat it too...Such is the folly of love.  And to such spurned people, I long to tell them to cut their losses, that it isn't worth so much heartbreak for that moment of bliss.

To just tell them that there is someone else out there, someone who can and will care for them more...who will see the beauty that exists within them and truly cherish them for it.  And in a way, I blame the world...for pressuring these people to cling on to something when they could do so much better, telling them that they must have someone.  When the real someone is out there, unseen because of an unwillingness to close a door.

And there are others...who mutually debase love, for whom it's a tool or a matter of convenience, just something to make them feel good.  To those, I think they deserve one another, and I regret wasting time sympathising with those I felt formerly deserved better.  But I'm thankful that I'm not in such a position and I suppose it is a little sad...For people to go through the world in such a manner...

For love is not meant to be defiled in such a manner.  And to forget or overlook just what a gift one has been granted is more than folly.  And perhaps in the materialistic, individualistic-oriented world, people have forgotten...Forgotten that it's ultimately about making the other happy, about living just to see that smile...

Well, I'm back...And just as how I begun, as I blow the dust off my blog (metaphorically at any rate), I feel I owe those of you who actually bothered stumbling back onto my blog an explanation for the long absence.  I started this blog as a little place to keep my writing hand in touch, to place little quotes and song lyrics that I felt were relevant to my life, that I could relate to or draw inspiration or solace from.

I insisted on writing everyday, because I didn't want to be one of those bloggers that were absent for weeks on end.  Yet at the same time, I wrote a fair bit, because I didn't want to be one of those that wrote little 2-liners and dashed off again.  This was never meant to be a diary, but more of a reflections corner.  Yet, as I got busier and busier, it got harder to live up to such aspirations and I finally abandoned it, telling myself I needed a break.

A break to gain new inspirations, new tales, new perspectives on things.  And I did get it...but still I was too busy to bother starting again.  And so, it is curiously ironic that in one of the busiest times of semester, when I really should be studying for an exam that I think will be brutally hard, I'm here blogging. 

I put it down to the solitude that I now have.  I think loneliness builds introspect...it creates the need for expression.  And looking back on the little dreams and hopes that I had, I realise that I still have them.  And the melancholy of it all makes me wish to start writing again.  Maybe not on an everyday basis, in fact probably not, but definitely on a regular basis.

For much still happens...the river of time begins to flow once more and the wanderer gets restless.  For perhaps there is no place called home for him.  Perhaps it is a futile search, that he will not find what he seeks.  That what he holds to are sweet lies.  But when you believe in such lies for so long, there is nothing to do but go on living in it.  And so do the scrawlings on the sand resume...

Kathleen Kelly : I wanted it to be you; I wanted it to be you so badly.
Meg Ryan~You've Got Mail

Long day again today...Woke up and went out to do CASS stuff, needed to change the signatories on the bank account.  Urgh...Char and Ken were totally not prepared to do it and we ended up having to run around university for the better part of an hour trying to get all the necessary paperwork to get the process done.  Was a major relief for all of us there when it was finally done, I think...

Went for Econs tute after that, it was pretty good.  I seriously prefer going to the Friday one instead of my regular one, the tutor seems to have much better time-management by then.  Hehe...Went over to Wentworth to do a bit of reading after that before going up for bible sharing.  It was an alright session although I suppose having done it yesterday didn't make it the best for me.

Did a bit more of reading before heading out to the city.  Bumped into Don and ended up in a food court chatting until it was time to go for the WC competition.  Sigh, got thrashed again.  The comp seems to be like this massive lesson in humility and reminder just how pathetic I am in WC.  Went for dinner after before all of us went to YM's place to play Heart Attack...Insane...

I think it's sorta true...that in anything we do, there'll always be hard times, times when we wonder just why we agreed to do it or got into it in the first place.  But I think in such times, it's always key to remember that often the final feeling when we see it through or those brief moments when it gives us great joy, it's all really worth all of ourselves that we put into it.

And when I look back at my life, there's not much that I regret doing.  And it is so true, much of what I regret stems from things that I didn't have the guts to do and I am left wondering what could have been.  All the more reason I suppose to not just idle by and let life pass me by but instead grasp at it firmly and truly live it, revel in all of it, both the good and bad...

I know I shouldn't ponder over what has passed for nothing can be done about it, how can I not?  How can I not think about all the times when I should've behaved differently, not just for my sake but for someone else's?  And it hurts all the more to know that there are times when try as hard as I can, I still cannot alleviate their sorrow and hurt, or worse that I am the cause of it...

How does it feel to know
You never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be some place here
That only you and I could go
So I can show you how I
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I've been looking at people
And how they change with the times
And lately all I've been seeing are people
Throwing love away and losing their minds

Or maybe it's me that's gone crazy
'Cause I can't understand why
All these lovers keep hurting each other
When good love is so hard to come by

So what's the glory in living
Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore
And if love never lasts forever
Tell me what's forever for...
Billy Gilman~What's Forever For

Merton : I wish I had wings of the dove so I could fly away...
Linus Roache~The Wings of the Dove

Woke up late in the morning again...I really gotta stop keeping these late nights although at least I did manage to get what I wanted to finish up done.  Finance tute was just this massive discouragement session.  Turns out that the top student in the mid-semester is in my tute.  And while I don't mind knowing that there are plenty of people out there smarter than I am, it hurts to have it rubbed in your face.

It just somehow makes all that I worked for seem so...insignificant somehow.  I concede that I'm far from the most brilliant person on campus but I'd at least like to take some joy in what I got...Which wasn't happening til I met a friend and remembered what she said to me once.  That if I was stuffed, then what would happen to all the people below me.  And that helped immensely...

Econs tute was not too bad...At least according to the lecturer I went not too bad in the mid-sem.  Although I suppose I'd need to put more effort in the lectures not to doze off if I want to keep it up.  Don't know why but I just end up zoning out midway everytime during his lectures...Maybe it's because I've just got a short attention span when it comes to purely listening.

Had bible sharing after which was pretty good, we covered a lot of stuff that helped me to think for a bit and served as a good reminder.  Went for dinner after that with jie and a friend.  It was pretty fun just to hang out.  Had ice-cream after that before sending my friend to the bus stop and heading home.  Finished up a bit more of work and chatted a bit before going to bed.

It's funny how we can get into such a funk over the slightest of things sometimes.  And we look back on it and wonder what we were ever thinking by getting upset over something so trivial, so insignificant in the grander scheme of things.  Maybe it's because we obsess so much over what's going to happen that we insist everything go according to how we plan it.

Which makes me wonder...how do we know that's not the way the river tide is flowing?  Perhaps that's the way we're meant to go...And while knowing the future would take away all the joy and anticipation in life, part of me would still like to know it.  If for nothing else, so that I can discern the path I need to take.  Reasons to exercise my choices carefully, I guess...

I took a drive along the west bank of the shore
I thought of what you said then I thought some more
You say your life is all but chiseled out in stone
And all you want is just a taste of the unknown

Think it was yesterday I called you on the phone
You say you need a change, I recognize the tone
Buy me a ticket please, to anywhere i'll go
I'm not saying what is right or what is wrong
I'm just thinking you've been hanging here too long

So, why don't we, just up and leave it all behind
Maybe a change would ease your mind
For a time, leave it all behind

What I really want to do is see you smile
Hear you talk and let me listen for a while
There's too much going on to keep it all inside
You try to whisper, but you start to scream and shout
What you need is just a place to let it out...
Amy Grant~Leave It All Behind